I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
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“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.