I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
You Might Also Like
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
(more comics:
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
The Eggorcist
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Stop it! 😂