Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

The cake is mightier than the sword.

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.