Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”