I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
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Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Boating season is upon us.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing