Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

When life hands you women, make women laid.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.