I hate celery. 🤮🥴
You Might Also Like
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Best seat on the street 😍
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run