I hate celery. 🤮🥴
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The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’