I hate celery. 🤮🥴
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PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
i think both sides are to blame here
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
❤️❤️❤️