I hate celery. 馃ぎ馃ゴ
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For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can鈥檛 find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I鈥檓 doing micro crunches!
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you鈥檙e driving.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don鈥檛 know it鈥檚 you
I think I鈥檓 gonna be sick
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I鈥檇 side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second