I hate celery. 🤮🥴
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4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I know
