I hate celery. 🤮🥴
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Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
So, can we agree on 4 or
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem