I hate celery. 🤮🥴
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After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.