I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
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Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Are we there yet?…
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.