“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
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[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
This came to me in a dream.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Extremely relatable.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh