Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
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I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Remember when we used to say “Avoid it like the plague,” assuming people would actually avoid plagues?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna