“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

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Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.


I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.


(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that


H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*


Remember when we used to say “Avoid it like the plague,” assuming people would actually avoid plagues?


At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.


NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god


“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna