Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!