Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

gasoline
noun

: mouthwash for dragons

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast