I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
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Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Real House Wines.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.