I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

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How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test


HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.


I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.


Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule


“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.


I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.



Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.


Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters


GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]