I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
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My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.