I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
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Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
That stupid look on my face, is my face
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I came this close!!!!
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.