I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
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My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”