I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

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Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!


Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.


Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he’ll do with both packs.


“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“So I can make a stupid joke”


My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.


Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]


[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change


4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby