I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
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Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014