Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

ㅤ

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

he was correct

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

The pasta is now

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*