Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

*lint rolls you awake*

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

apparently this year was written by stephen king

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.