Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

My age is news to me every single time I remember

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

haha same

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.