I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
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Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
#Caturday
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes