Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Mummies are just super modest zombies

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.