Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

My time has come.

Breaking news:

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”