‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.