‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT