Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

u spoke cat all this time??????

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

I just love that new Pope smell.

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do