‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
*skinny dips into black hole
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents