‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.