i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
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Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.