i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
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If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.