i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
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due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
🔦🌙👣
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.