Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.