Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Girl, same.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.