I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
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wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.