I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
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Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I’ve had worse
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.