Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

Aight bet

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.