I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
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Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“FRAAANCE!”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.