I hate everything
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wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Sounds like a real hoot.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app