I hate everything
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.