I hate everything
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Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
all bases covered
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
pizza
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
2022: I can fix it
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.