Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

True story 🤣