Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire