I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
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*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder