Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

Lmao the reply

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

Noah was an idiot.