I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
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The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.