Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

Ok cat haters, explain this…

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.