I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
*offers Batman cough drops*
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.