I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.