I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
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these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car