I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
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Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…