Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

We need more people like this.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

Girl, same.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}