Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.