Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.