I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
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how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Owl Sanctuary
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you