I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
You Might Also Like
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order