I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
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“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. đś Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. đś
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
i be like âiâm fineâ then shake my leg 200mph
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you canât find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and PeaceâŚ. of course it was due in 1978, but thatâs not really relevant here.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didnât think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. đâ¤ď¸
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Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
when you say the word âspitâ you have at least two opportunities to do so
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Welcome
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*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Please donât interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
my lower back watching me try to live my life
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King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine