Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

Good morning, Twitter x

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.