“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
what are they serving at kfc then???
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“you recording!?”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
When you don’t understand how floors work
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.