Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

ㅤ

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me