Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Simple

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

Dating Tips
1.
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4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’