I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
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For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
☠️☠️☠️
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.