I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
me at the job i begged god for
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Got a light
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
When someone says you are so lazy
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.