I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.