I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
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I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”