I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
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Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing