Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

What in the hipster hell is going on here

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

The horror. The apostrophe’s.