I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
![]()
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.