I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
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*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*