I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
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Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
oh you like nyc? name every rat
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.