I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
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Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Sponch
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no