I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
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Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
#merica
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.