I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
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“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.