I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
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corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
neighborhood watch
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.