Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh