Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.